Content warning: sex, sexual violence (r-word, some implications—non-graphic)
Let’s talk a little bit about consent. This will be review for some, new to some, hopefully a helpful frame for all.
The goal is for everyone to have wonderful, fantastic, safe, amazing sexual experiences, every time they have a sexual experience. Never any regrets, confusion, or feelings of unsafety.
How possible is this goal? Maybe not entirely possible 100% of the time—sex is inherently vulnerable, and few of us understand ourselves perfectly, leading to some possibilities of miscommunication and regret.
However. It is your responsibility to strive for this goal in every sexual encounter you have. If you have any feeling that a sexual encounter will not be, or no longer is, completely wonderful, safe, and consensual, you need to address that with your partner(s). If you have an inkling that they’ll regret it in the morning, you need to talk to your partner(s). If you continue to be unsure that this is an entirely safe, consensual encounter, you should not have sex.
There’s this idea, in our culture, that having sex is the goal. We even talk about it when talking about consent—that you need to “get” consent.
But here’s the thing: it’s ok if you don’t have sex.
If your partner(s) aren’t feeling like having sex, that’s ok. If you aren’t feeling like having sex, that’s ok. It is ok to not have sex.
Now, people have sex for all kinds of reasons. I’m not saying that any of those reasons aren’t valid, that one kind of consent is more valid than others. I’m saying that your consent, your partners’ consent, needs to be there, 100% of the time, if you are having sex. If you have any concerns about your partners’ ability to give consent (due to intoxication, mental illness, extenuating circumstances, or coercion), you need to address that, together, through discussion. If you continue to be concerned, you should not have sex until such time that you—and they—decide that it would be completely consensual.
The framework that I write from is an assumption that everyone is trying their hardest to make all of their sexual encounters safe and consensual. There are nuances, confusions, complexities there, but my discussions of those should never be taken as ways to excuse sexual violence or permission to stop trying for completely safe sexual encounters.
If you have questions around consent, ask yourself, “Self, am I asking this question because I am genuinely confused as to whether this situation is ok, or am I asking this question because I’m hoping someone will tell me to go ahead and have sex?” If the former, please email me! I’d love to help if I can. If the latter—and be honest with yourself—give yourself permission to feel disappointed that you may not be having sex, and then do the right thing and don’t force (or persuade or coerce or “reason with” or otherwise influence) your partner(s).
Muddle Through 